Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

Pot warmers of the day.

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy