Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
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Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”