Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
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[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Customize Your Wedding.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds