Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
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nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Realize this:
