Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
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People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Me: I canât, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Whatâs that? Thereâs a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Pass gas, not judgment.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, âNever.â
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Why do people say Iâm washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help đ¤đ§
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. Itâs been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
âBEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing pingâ
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Iâm just going to say it: I donât think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I donât know what my spirit animal is, but Iâm pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Donât be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
me: just checkin to see if youâre ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey itâs not a good time, can I call you back
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and havenât vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My fortune cookie fortune:
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| *Ęá´á´Ęá´á´á´ á´á´É´á´Ę* |
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