Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
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Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Hmmmmmmm….
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind