Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!

That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.