Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

aesthetic

so, is there a mister shapen head

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

I would like even faster food.

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.