Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

The three genders.

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.