Me to a random balloon on the groundđ: What’s wrong little fella? Did you lose your clown?
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the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
what?
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like âdang sir what you gonna do with all thatâŚâ I wasnât aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Best bird cliquesâŚ
A âmurderâ of crows
A âflamboyanceâ of flamingos
A âfallâ of woodcocksâŚaka dudes who realize theyâve been catfished
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied âthatâs a beardâI was that kidâs first beard
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you havenât texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.