Me to a random balloon on the groundđ: Whatâs wrong little fella? Did you lose your clown?
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CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. Theyâre horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet âŚ. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
After last nightâs egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, Iâm gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
[reflecting on past]
âAh, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?â
*gestures at everything*
âAll of this is wrong.â
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Whatâs that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkeyâs neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? Thatâd be terrible for you.
4: Momâs not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
the wife told me that weâre invited to a country themed party so Iâm wearing this
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, âThat didnât hurt, Iâm sure getting a tattoo will be easy.â
DATE: So it says on your profile that youâre a contractor.
ME: Iâm.
HER: Check please!
I canât believe I shaved my toes for this
Interviewer: âWhy did you leave your last job?â
Me: âAfter coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.â
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesnât taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all đ
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHOâS READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
In my day, we didnât have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, youâd yell âYabba dabba doo!â as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I donât even highlight in books
Jamie Oliver says thereâs ânothing worse in the world than an undercooked green beanâ
Iâm going to go out on a limb and say he doesnât watch the news.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each otherâs sentinels.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Obviously, someone didnât follow the instructions before assembling the catâŚđđžđ
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. Itâs like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas