Me to a random balloon on the ground🎈: What’s wrong little fella? Did you lose your clown?
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[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
early stone age tool
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing