Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
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Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Sending in my taxes
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
$3 #books
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children