Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
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I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Salad is the decaf of food.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”