Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.