Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works