Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
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shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”