Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

Breaking news:

her: what do you do for a living

me: I can’t tell you

her: like a spy

me: no I’m an eye doctor

her: oh an ophthalmologist

me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

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walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?

Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.