Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

j o i m p

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

#Caturday

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”

friend:

me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.