Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful