Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
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Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.