Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.