Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
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{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Celery is depressing green water wafers.