Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

See more

Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu

— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

why can’t i explore the dentist’s mouth too

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”