Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
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I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Swedish for common sense.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER