Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
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I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]