Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
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My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.