Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
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I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
be careful
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.