Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.