Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
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1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
A classic…
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word