Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it