Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
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Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.