Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son, that happens everywhere!”

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.

She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else