Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
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Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I’m not alone. I have ants.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.