Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

This woman is my idol. Free her.

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

[Entering a dark forest]

“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”

“Keening.”

“What?”

“Banshees keen.”

“You go first.”

“Dammit.”

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.