Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
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Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.