Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
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Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.