Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

The Compass

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

me watching my own Instagram story

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?