Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

Raisins are grape jerky.

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

Cartman: Respect my
a a

If snakes were wide

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot