Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

There’s no “u” in narcissist

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

next question.

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.