Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Whoa 😂
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
That eye roll….
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Ha
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.