Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

Cats (2019)

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”