me to God
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Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.