me to God
You Might Also Like
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Bringing back this classic
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
motivation
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Great game to play with friends
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.