Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

smartest karate player in the world

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week