Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?

Me: She’s a week old!

Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

🤣🤣🤣

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

ㅤ

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

Somewhere in an alternate universe

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*