Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

Hang in there buddy

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

What the hell happened in there??

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.