Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
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You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker