Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

that’s really how it is

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

this is literally a CIA plant

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

Yes 😂