Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
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someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Me too
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
