Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
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“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Thinking of taking Easter decorations down
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
When he asks for feet pics
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
“Wow, it’s like every single member of my family is clinically insane,” I said, and then a cold chill ran up my spine…
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true