Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?

Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit

Hubs: um…

Me: oh bugger!

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”