Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
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I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids