Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
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My new favorite headline
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.