Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.