Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

john wicks are toilet candles

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.

Just didn’t want it to be a cop.

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach