Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Breaking news:
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
