Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
i can’t work under these festive conditions
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
