Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
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Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Every work call, he judges.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…