Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it