Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

good work, detective

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

o shit

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?