Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?