me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
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Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far