Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

Always the barmaid, never the bar.

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

look at me when i’m typing to you

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.