Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it

– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”