Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
You Might Also Like
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Gas station lines at 2 am:
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
What happened to the other hiker??!
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]