Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
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🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark