Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
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Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?