Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

Human are so complicated

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

Me My dog

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

getting corrected

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something