Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
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My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
wow he looks just like him
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me