Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saving my good tweets for marriage

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!