Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

I’ve had worse

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

rest in peas

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

For the ones in the back.

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.