Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

date: tell me about yourself

me: I want to kill the moon

date: I have a bit of a dark side too

me: [narrows eyes]

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.