Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

Roses are red
Violets are blue

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???