Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
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*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Air conditioning – not a fan
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
We need to put an American base on the sun
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid