Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
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Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family