Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

due date

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

You don’t even know

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

This is true.

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”