Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

adam and eve had first world problems

Take 9 seconds. Be this happy

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

Google reviews are always so mixed..

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

As a doctor, I can confirm