ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
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Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed