Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
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[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I’d … I’d rather not.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*