Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water

me looking at the christmas cookie tray:

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy